by Kate Ardenphrases that are code for “I’m dissociating!”
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by Kate ArdenContent warning: mentions of suicide Voicemails that have piled up over the past month Hey, it’s me again. you haven’t hit me back in a while. Look, i’m not trying to be rude, but will you be this sad tomorrow? Call me. It is mid afternoon. I watch two episodes of crazy ex girlfriend because usually it makes me feel less alone in my mania, but today I just envy the way her crazy still gets out of bed. If I invite you to brunch next weekend, will you be this sad? What about my bridal shower, will you make grey appear inside my other guests? Listen, I’m not asking just for me. There’s other people in the world, you know. There are more than 3 million cases of depression per year in the US. It requires a medical diagnosis, which of course requires going to the doctor, which requires getting out of bed, which requires… Can I take you out for a night, just to get away from the sadness? I hate it like you do. The sadness, I mean. But I know it’s important to you. You can’t leave the sadness alone too long, just like we can’t leave you alone too long. Is there someone I can call who isn’t tired of this? The sadness, I mean. Everybody’s always asking me how I am. Well, I’m here, so I didn’t off myself, you know? Nobody likes that joke. Nobody liked it when I wrote a song about PTSD to the tune of the YMCA song, either. I don’t know how to talk about this without entertaining. Hey, so I’ve been reading up on this, to see if it’s really as bad as you say it is. Does the sadness respond well to juice cleanses? Have you been to that sunrise pilates class I told you about? I’ll send you some articles I found. Be well, babe. Last year, the suicide rate in America was higher than it’s been in half a century. my doctor asks how often I think about killing myself and I struggle to land on a number that seems normal. Hey, it’s me. I was wondering… Were you this sad last week when we were talking and you were smiling so big it was like watching the moon rise? Are you more sad around me? Do I make it any better? I’m sorry I didn’t pick up. I would say it won’t happen again, but I know you don’t like my jokes. Every day, 2100 people pick up the phone for the last time. I wonder every time I hang up if today is the day I’ll be one of them. Listen, I had an idea. Do you tap your foot so the sadness knows you’re waiting? Do you jingle your keys at it, hover in the doorway? I know that doesn’t always work. Perhaps you could keep the sadness waiting just once. Tell it to stay in the car. Crack a window. Tell it you’ll be out soon. You know, that’s how people can kill their children without meaning to. |
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