by Lydia WeinbergerContent warning: mentions of self harm Dear Anthony Bourdain, The day you died I sobbed in front of my boyfriend’s family. He pulled me aside and I thought he must be lying: You were this immortal sex god in my eyes, One of the reasons I tried weed and still feed myself on a semi-regular basis. The reason I applied to CIA, and the reason I knew I wouldn’t go. My parents and I watched every single one of your shows, Up until when you killed yourself. CNN put the last ones out as tribute but I have enough ghosts following me already. Sometimes I make poor life decisions and feel like you would be proud-- I joined a non-denominational coven. I got so drunk on Simchat Torah I danced in the middle of the street with an ultra-Orthodox rabbi. Dear Anthony Bourdain, In an interview you said that you quit smoking so you could “Live longer for your daughter.” Most people would say that was bullshit. I know that wasn’t bullshit. I know staying alive for other people is the flimsiest thing in the world, And you truly believed your love for your daughter was the exception to that. I used to lie awake at night and cry, thinking about my parents finding my body. But it didn’t make me less suicidal-- It made me feel guilty. Dear Anthony Bourdain, When older people kill themselves it scares me, Like I might spend my whole life fighting and cycling through, Only to find myself with the same inevitable ending. In the weeks after you killed yourself I threw away my shaving razors; My boyfriend asked me if he should take me to the hospital. But two days ago he saw me first and told me my eyes light up when I see him. I want them to keep lighting up, more than I want to stay alive “for” him. Dear Anthony Bourdain, On my upper thigh I have a space reserved for one of your quotes. “As you move through this life and this world you change things slightly; you leave marks behind, however small.” Dear Anthony Bourdain, Thank you.
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